“So extremely like Maple Grove! And it is not merely the house; the grounds, I assure you, as far as I could observe, are strikingly like. The laurels at Maple Grove are in the same profusion as here, and stand very much in the same way — just across the lawn; and I had a glimpse of a fine large tree, with a bench round it, which put me so exactly in mind! My brother and sister will be enchanted with this place. People who have extensive grounds themselves are always pleased with any thing in the same style.”
Emma doubted the truth of this sentiment. She had a great idea that people who had extensive grounds themselves cared very little for the extensive grounds of any body else; but it was not worth while to attack an error so double-dyed,… Mrs. Elton & Emma Woodhouse, Emma, Chapter 32
Oh my! Austenprose has received correspondence from the un-venerable Jane Austen character Mrs. Augusta Elton of Highbury, in response to her recent viewing of the movie Emma, on PBS! We are all amazement by her deference and condescension to this humble blog, and welcome with trepidation her opinions of the production! Warning! Spoilers and unabashed opinions afoot!
Mrs. Augusta Elton
Highbury Vicarage
Highbury, Surry, England
Dear Miss Laurel Ann:
Upon my word, these are most pitiful doings. We never did such things in Highbury. I said to Mr. E, some people will do any thing. I can barely recognize my own dear village, to which I was transplanted so long ago, and so happily. And the people! Well! How that director, Mr. Diarmud Laurence, and that writer, Mr. Andrew Davies, could have got every thing so wrong, I really do not know. I will tell you what I mean at once; I will not hold any thing back. I have a reputation for frankness; you will hear no compliments from 
me. Therefore you must know that Miss Woodhouse has been made far too handsome – yes, very much too handsome, indeed. The real Mrs. Knightley – Emma Wooodhouse as was – never had such a skin as this Miss Kate Beckinsale, nor such pretty hair. Really, the veritable Emma is a frump and a fright; she thinks herself so attractive but she is nothing at all out of the common, I can assure you. Nobody would ever look at her when Miss Fairfax was by. She never did have a notion of dress, as how could she, shut up in that house with no one but her father and that silly creature Harriet; and no one, I collect, can deny that her wedding was most inferior to mine. I recollect that once I offered to teach her how to dress properly, although it was certainly nothing to me; and I really cannot tell you what she said upon that occasion. It was altogether too bad to repeat.
I must concede, however, that Miss Beckinsale acts very well – almost too well. She does bring to mind just such a character as Miss Woodhouse, with all her airs, and her insufferable vanity. She is the veriest snip that ever plagued a neighborhood, to be sure, and Miss Beckinsale carries that idea forward very well. Oh, I am sick of talking of Miss Woodhouse! Let us drop the subject, and talk of happier things. The other people were 
well enough; Mr. Knightley only too handsome, and I’ve no idea why he was made so fierce, for he is really the mildest-tempered man in the world, save my own dearest caro sposo. But then, he had to halloo and storm and rant if he was going to get a word in edgewise with that proud, nasty Miss Woodhouse. I do like Miss Bates. Prunella Scales, she is called. She is just such a silly prattle as the real one was; very true to life, upon my word. Now there is a lady who can act. She quite made me cry in the Box Hill scene.
And then we come to – me. I really am ashamed to be speaking of myself, so I mention it last; I really am dreadfully modest and retiring, Selina always said I was quite a bye-word for it. I never think of others when I can think of myself, that is, I am sure you have never seen such humility as mine. And so I will only mention that Miss Lucy Robinson does very 
well in playing me: very well, indeed. She is handsome, better than handsome; I think her quite beautiful; and she has all the manners of a lady, not pretending to be the Queen of her society, like Miss Woodhouse. She is friendly, and affectionate, and speaks her mind straight out, quite as a lady should. Oh! I dote on Miss Robinson. She is the sweetest creature. One thing I thought odd – really quite eccentric – is that at times some of her tones savor of the American. It has been told to me – I will not say by whom, but there is a dangerous woman of today who has taken to writing all about me, and she is an American. Yes; I will say her name, where is the harm? She is Diana Birchall, and she has written all manner of stories about me. In Defense of Mrs. Elton was the first one, and the Jane Austen Society – whatever that is – put it about. I thought, at first, that I had found a friend in Ms. Birchall; but I soon discovered my mistake. She wrote a play all about my Courtship with my dear Mr. E., and these Jane Austen people put it on too; even then I was moved to forgive her, but 
when she wrote an entire book about me, and called it Mrs. Elton in America – well! Then I knew that with such friends, you need no enemies. You must know that I am not American, and have never been near the nasty place in my life; but Ms. Birchall equates being an Outsider with being an American in England, and all sorts of tommyrot like that. She says that because I came to Highbury as a newcomer and a Bride, I was an Alien, and not a native in Highbury. That is perfectly true – I am from Bristol, the very heart of Bristol – but *she* would have it that Miss Robinson’s American way of speech underlines the difference between me and the rest of that pitiful precious set in Highbury. I have no patience with such notions.
Oh, I am sick to death of Ms. Birchall. You can buy her wretched books on Amazon – she has a new one out, Mrs. Darcy’s Dilemma, in which I suspect, but I do not know, she does 
worse things to the residents of Pemberley than ever she does to me. But let us talk of her no more. I must tell you what I think of Juliet Stevenson, who pretends to be me in the other story that was made in 1996, the one with that skinny-necked plucked chicken of a woman, Gwyneth Paltrow, being Emma. This vision, the work of an American of course, Mr. Douglas McGrath, could do nothing but make me laugh. Even my centuries-long antipathy to Miss Woodhouse cannot make me think that she deserves any fate so bad as being played by Gwyneth Paltrow, with her yellow hair and her big nose and boney chest and her smirk. Even that is outdone by the hideous appearance of Miss Toni Collette as poor little Harriet. Little! That gallumphing ninny. When the two friends are together, it is like a whale and a camel. There can be no two opinions about 
Miss Stevenson, however. She is not to be classed with any of the others; it is sunshine and shade. Her acting is just as good as Lucy Robinson’s; they are the two of them each as good and as clever as the other. Miss Stevenson is truly English, no American nonsense about her; but I do confess that the character she plays is perhaps just a mite overbearing. She does not completely comprehend my modesty and delicacy, but then nobody could; you cannot think how constantly I am misunderstood. And to be sure, I am much handsomer. Miss Stevenson is, however, without a doubt, the finest actress in the piece; and I do not complain at her being chosen to represent me.
Oh! Upon my word, I must run away. To Tucson, this time. In June, I am to appear with Diana Birchall, on yet another stage – people *will* keep putting on that Courtship of Mrs. Elton play of hers, even though I assure you there is not a single word of truth in it!
Augusta Elton alias Diana Birchall
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Read further about author Diana Birchall at her website.
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Diana’s play The Courtship of Mrs. Elton, and her book Mrs. Elton in America are featured on the Jane Austen Centre Magazine online.
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Buy the illustrated edition of In Defense of Mrs. Elton online through JSNA of Greater New York Region’s Pug’s Boutique.
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Purchase Mrs. Elton in America and Mrs. Darcy’s Dilemma online.
A lovely review, Mrs. Elton, even though it is obvious you are jealous of Emma’s beauty and her status. Still, you did justice to the movie, and I thank you for your insights.
Bravo. Quite an excellent, amusing, and well-written review. Does well-deserved justice to my favorite Emma.
[...] Emma: Review By the Vacuous and Vulgar Mrs. Elton [...]